I wish I could put into words all of my problems and magically make everything okay again, but I think it’s safe to say that my apathy, anger, general discontentment with life and my negative outlook can all be accounted to my parents. I think when you have kids too young, you take on a responsibility that you probably shouldn’t have to, but I don’t think that’s any excuse to behave like an irresponsible teenager, getting drunk every weekend and hiding alcohol in some attempt to pretend that you’re not a selfish cunt who’s unfit to look after children, and it’s definitely not an excuse to get addicted to prescription medication to the point where you’re lying to a doctor to get the tablets. I don’t care what your sob story is, it’s not my job to deal with it. I just want you to actually step up to the plate and do something that doesn’t make me despise you for once in your fucking miserable life.
I’m 21, I shouldn’t be running around picking up after an incompetent mother who can barely look after herself, nevermind 3 kids all under the age of 12. I know I had a rant about being overprotective of children, but that’s all in regards to trivial things. No child should have to grow up seeing their mother passed out on the couch or on the floor covered in her own piss every weekend, it’s just not on. I wouldn’t be surprised if my siblings grew up to be exactly the kind of waste of space she is. I’ve tried and failed multiple times to sympathise, so don’t think my anger and resentment is misdirected. I’ve been dealing with this shit for years, when I should be going out and getting into trouble like every other person my age. But no, I got forced to take responsibility where my mother has failed and it’s just no way to live.
This is probably as personal as the rants or blogs or whatever are going to get. I just needed to release some of this in the best way I know how. Lashing out isn’t going to solve anything and my hand hurts because I hit a wall earlier. Why do I deserve this? If reincarnation is real, then I must have been a really shitty person in a previous life to have to face this in my current life. I guess bad things just happen to, dare I suggest this, good people.
I don’t really know what else to say. I don’t really know if anyone’s going to read this. I’d like to say that I don’t care, but honestly, I’m craving a little bit of positive attention for once. I just want someone to recognise what I go through on a day-to-day basis and I want them to understand why I am the way I am. I probably should see a shrink about this or something, but I’m not going to because I’m not sure how I’d be able to deal with that.
…I just don’t know anymore. I really don’t.
